CURRENTLY:
playing: Shadow Hearts
listening to: Sonic Unleashed OST
watching: Kamen Rider Den-O
13/4/24
leaving the cave
Going out twice in one week. Go me.
Me and Ariadne left pretty early in the morning. It was the best day ever.
We walked around the entire town, just talking about random shit.
I took her to a secondhand bookshop, it was nice there because it's quiet.
She asked what I thought of philosophy and the first thing that came into my mind was what's-his-nuts, the dude
who talked about nihilism a lot, and my raging hatred for nihilism because I
fell down a rabbit hole one summer and it made me feel like shit. She on the other hand, dislikes absurdism.
Then she asked what I thought of the conspiracy theories of celebrities selling their soul to the devil.
I told her that the whole 'worshipping Satan' thing is old news. Nowadays us tinfoilers are all about the belief that the
elites worship Saturn. I told her about the time when BLM was everywhere in 2020, and all the performative activist losers at school
were posting the black squares. I refused to because I was convinced that it was part some some evil mass ritual, with the Black Cube of
Saturn. I was really deep into conspiracies back then.
I promise I'm not crazy. The world ain't black and white.
I still enjoy reading them and keeping up with them, but I don't believe in all of them
100%, because in the end, us common peasants will never really know the real truth.
Some stuff, like flat earth is absolutely ridiculous to me. Makes for an enjoyable read though.
Anyway. We went to the park and she picked some flowers, to press them. It was cool watching the process,
I'd never seen it being done before. It's actually pretty simple.
We walked past our old secondary school, and I found the tree that I planted in the field 5 years ago. It grew a lot.
Felt proud looking at it, that's my legacy right there.
I wonder if it'll still be there, in say, 50 years time.
Then we went to the library. She asked the librarian if she could get a library card as a memento and the librarian
actually said yes. That was pretty sweet. It was so nostalgic going into the library again, especially the kids section.
I used to sit there after school, reading Percy Jackson. I like the non-fiction books from the kids section better too, because they have
interesting pictures to look at.
We decided to get fancy fish and chips for lunch. And this was when she recited this beautiful line: "So you like pain in a Fight Club way,
not in a 50 Shades of Grey way." In response to me talking about how I enjoyed getting injured. (Not in a gross sexual way, barf.)
But it's just exciting and makes me feel alive. You know,
the same way cold weather and cold showers do. But maaaan, that line was beautiful, she's a modern
day poet. Fuck Shakespeare, who needs him, when you've got the great Ariadne?
After that we went to a few more small shops. One that sold old books, one that sold old furniture and homeware and one that sold
old CDs, DVDs and cassetes. The dude that worked there was super nice. I saw a few cool DVDs but had to restrain myself. Trying my hardest to
not spend too much money. After that, we decided to go to the seedy sex shop in a back alley.
There was only one other customer there and he was browsing the DVDs.
I don't get it, isn't that stuff already free on the internet?
We went to church. It was just beautiful. The last time I was in the town church was
in 2022, for my graduation. It looks even better when it's empty.
Everytime we go to a church, I try to keep us in there for as long as possible. I think they're some of the most beautiful,
calming places in the entire world.
I keep mentioning how I'd like to die in one, everytime we go to one, so
we talked about all the different ways we'd like to die in a church.
The ceiling collapsing on us, and my personal favourite, a falling metal beam piercing through us. Gorgeous.
We got bubble tea too. Way too overpriced. I could make it better at home, goddammit...
We also got doner kebab. The dude who worked there was so nice and gave us extra free food for no reason. What a guy.
Today was awesome and I didn't want it to end because it was Ariadne's last day here, and she'll be flying back to England tomorrow.
It was nice having someone to hang out with after so long.
When it was time for her to leave at the end of the day, I gave her a guitar because she mentioned wanting one. My brother really likes
her so he packed it up nicely and
spritzed some perfume on it, so 'she'd remember us'. LOL. He's pretty hilarious sometimes.
I was sad to see her go, but hopefully we can
hang out again this summer, when I go to England.
Why do all my friends live in different countries?
12/4/24
hetalia
Nowadays the Hetalia fandom is pretty much dead and Hetalia is forgotton, lol. Sad. There are a few people in the Western fandom, but they're cringe and I want nothing to do with them. It's just not what it used to be. The non-Western fandom make really good art, and I can see they haven't caught whatever disease the Western ones have, but I don't speak any of their languages, so that's too bad. I recently accidentally revived some Hetalia fans on this small anonymous site I'm addicted to (because I kept spamming my beautiful husbando, Alfred). Real proud of myself for that. I started a Renaissance. They're all normal, awesome and unfathomably BASED people. Now I have some sane people with whom I can talk about my insane love for Hetalia all day long. These past few weeks have been pretty enjoyable because of it.
11/4/24
seething
I am fucking seething. I shouldn't be because it's lame and childish, but I am.
You know when you leave a cult and they act like YOU'RE the crazy one?
Over the top analogy, I know. I wasn't a part of a cult or anything but this was the best way I could describe it.
Just found out that some crazy people from my past, whose existences I've completely forgotten about, still have raging hateboners for me.
They still talk about me, as if I was some freak of nature.
Honestly, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Thought they'd changed their ways,
became good people. Should have known that them posting sickeningly sweet 'love laugh live' positivity posts didn't actually mean they were
good people. This is why I'm wary of those types of people. A lot of the times, they're just rotten to the core. All that posting
is them trying to cover shit up. A good person doesn't need to tell people they're a good person every 2 seconds.
They haven't changed from how they used to be in our childhoods at all. Same old shit, bullying me for being different to them. They're
all overly religious, overly judgemental, and gossip is their lifeblood. All they
talk about is religion, marriage, men, and their favourite topic, SHITTING ON INNOCENT PEOPLE.
They're basically the antithesis of me.
As a kid, I had to hang out with them, since our parents knew each other and we lived in the same neighbourhoods. Once I met
normal people and made some proper friends, I left and never looked back.
Can't believe they call me weird. At least my dad isn't a pedophile, like yours. At least I'm not inbred. At least my parents don't
have a creepy age gap. At least I didn't marry a man from a 3rd world country who is more than half my age.
At least I don't have a crush on my own uncle. At least I don't look 20 years older than I am.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm the normal one.
I'm embarassed for letting these worthless NPCs rile me up so much, but I can't stand the audacity.
I hate living in a small town. I hate that they live in the same neighbourhood as me.
I hate that they try to keep tabs on me or think any of what I do is their business.
9/4/24
aaaaaaaaaaa
Yesterday I was at home relaxing and talking to my childhood friend, Ariadne, who lives all the way in England.
I heard someone knocking on the door
but was too lazy to get dressed and open it. I thought my mom would open it, but she's a psycho who doesn't
open up for anyone. The person kept knocking, freaked me out because I thought they'd just go away.
They knocked a third time and I was beginning to wish my dad would come home already.
I was about to text my friend about the whole ordeal, until I noticed they were telling me to open up. I was pretty confused, until it hit me.
NO FREAKING WAY. What a surprise. I opened the door and let her in. It was awesome, last time I saw her was almost a year ago, when I went to
London. She couldn't stay for too long but said we could hang out soon.
We went out today and it was the best day ever.
First time I went out in ages. I don't explore my own town much, because I hate the people who live in my neighbourhood and want to
avoid seeing them at all costs, but going out with my best friends makes me forget all that stuff.
We walked around and visited all the shops.
I bought this French rose bar soap in a vintage style tin with a picture of Paris on it. The soap smelled real good, and I thought
I'd give the tin to my Francophile brother.
We bought sushi, tiramisu, smoked salmon,
and prawn cocktail crisps and ate in the abandoned car park. It's an upgrade to our old tradition of eating discounted coleslaw with sticks
in a shady little corner behind a warehouse.
I'd never tried smoked salmon before today, and my friend was surprised because she considers me a fancy food connoisseur.
We also got McDonald's and and sat outside on some steps while talking about random shit
like our childhood memories, mythology, the state of cinema nowadays, hot dudes, all that important stuff.
She showed me some childhood videos of us from 2013.
And maaaaaaaan. I can't believe that the thing in the video that was supposed to be me was
actually ME. I was chasing another girl and trying to roundhouse kick her every two seconds.
I was obsessed with Spider-Man back then, so I just know I was trying to imitate him. Jeez.
When she walked me to my house at the end of the day,
I held her hostage by inviting her in to talk more.
I showed her around my room as if it were a museum exhibition, lol. Then we read my old diary together
from when I was 12 and we died laughing at my edgelord cringe. Today was a lot of damn fun.
Buuuut now, I just realised I have a goddamn stye in my eye. Dang it.
Time to spend all day doing hot compresses and swallowing raw garlic.
7/4/24
plans
Less than a month left till the end of the year.
So I'm making a list of all the things I've been putting off, so I can finally get to them in summer.
Made a huge list of movies to watch, and of course, the only reason I live and breathe, GAMES to play.
I haven't touched any of my consoles since January.
I'm not much of a reader, I haven't touched a book since I read Percy Jackson in primary school.
(I mean, I read manga a lot, but come on, can't insult bonafide bookworms with this weeb shit.)
I ususally just sail the seven seas if there's a book I really wanna read.
But I've decided to read a few REAL books this summer.
I stare at a screen all day.
It can't be good for me. At least it ain't a phone screen and at least it's not tiktok that I'm addicted to.
But still.
Gonna read some good alternate history books. I've read a few but want to read more.
My favourite concept was probably the one in The Man in The High Castle. The Axis winning WWII and taking over the world.
America being split between Nazi Germany and Japan. Woah.
I watched the show too and pretty much hated it but there were some good things about it. Like John Smith's subplot.
The first episode was awesome. Seeing a typical patriotic American movie play out, until you see that flag.
The stars and stripes replaced by a swastika and stripes, and the narrator saying 'Sieg Heil'. Nazi-fied Times Square.
Goddamn. Gave me chills. I love watching/reading anything where the Nazis take over. It's like a horror movie.
But way more scarier and exciting.
I mean who cares, if some serial killer is after me? He's just some guy. The Nazis are a whole lot of evil guys.
But damn, did those guys have style...
I'm glad they never won. That would be dystopian.
Besides, I can't imagine Burgerland ever giving up and bowing down so easily.
5/4/24
why
I can make 'friends', as in I can talk to people just fine, and enjoy their company and they enjoy mine.
But something has to be wrong with me.
I can't seem to make deeper connections with people. I can't tell if it's my fault (for being too fucking weird),
or their fault (for not meeting my crazy high standards). I have to keep half of my personality under wraps.
Keep a lot of my interests to myself.
Shrek was not kidding when he said ogres are like onions. Well, I'm no ogre. I ain't that ugly...
Anyway. Some people have peeled more layers than others have but no one has fully delayered me.
The only time this onion sheds all it's layers, is when it's on it's favourite
anonoymous forum or when it's talking to it's brother and childhood friends.
I'm already 20, and I live in a small boring town.
I just have to accept the fact that I'll never find anyone who understands me in real life.
The last time I had anyone who really got me, were my internet friends from when I was a young teenager.
Those were the best damn times in my life and I've never had anything like that since. I still read our old messages like some desperate ex.
We don't talk as much anymore, because they're busy with life and are now well-adjusted adults who grew out of their weird phases.
Except for me, of course, maladjusted and still just as obsessed with the bullshit I liked when I was 12.
I know my life is objectively better now than when I was 12 (I have freedom, money, etc), but I don't care. Loneliness is a killer.
Need a friend who will peel me and love me.
3/4/24
I'm normal
I hate having to bite my tongue when it comes to certain topics. Feels like everyone around me is fucking brainwashed or insane.
And I'm the only normal, sensible person left. Speak the truth and get called crazy, and people think you're some evil Nazi.
Thankfully I found a small online forum with likeminded people and it relieved my loneliness.
But it'd be nice to have a real life friend who understands me, who I can talk to this stuff about.
2/4/24
art
Damn, I can't believe I got visually assaulted today while looking for fanart of my favourite characters. Absolutely vile.
Nobody wants to see your disgusting fetish art or shitty OOC headcanons. Why do people do this? Stopped looking at any fanart
by Western artists for this reason. Something bad must've happened these last few years.
Thank god for the Japanese, Russian and Chinese artists, though.
People hike and climb mountains just to experience beautiful views that make them tear up and feel like life is worth living.
But that kind of feeling can be easily replicated by looking at these amazing artist's work.
Don't know how they do it, but I sure do love it. It could be hung in the Louvre and no one would notice anything was wrong.
28/3/24
beetroot
About 6 weeks left of this academic year. Not feeling too good about that.
I'm excited for summer and all, but man, I really have to pick up the pace. I need to start studying harder.
Just submitted an assignment that was due today, 5 minutes before the deadline. Had 2 weeks to do this shit,
but once again, I was slacking off because I was obsessively researching war. This week's war of interest: the Revolutionary War.
Anyway.
Remember when my fridge was broken? It stayed broken for about a month.
It sucked and I was barely eating anything because I was so mad about it.
My dad decided to buy a bunch of vegetables and fruits and blend them into gross smoothies/juices for me
so I would get nutrition and all that.
One of the ones that he made was beetroot juice. I'd never tried beetroot before that.
The colour was nice, but the juice itself was fucking foul, and the smell alone made me want to throw up.
I drank it everyday anyway since there was nothing else.
The fridge is fixed now but I actually still drink that beetroot juice. And I LIKE IT.
It just tastes like spicy, freshly cut grass.
I guess I like it because while I was drinking it I'd be making youtube videos of my favourite character ever.
So I associate the drink with good times. Weird how that happens.
15/3/24
blehh
Finally caved in and went to the doctor yesterday, and it turns out that the reason my body was decaying these past 8 months was
because I have severe iron and vitamin D deficiency. I got prescribed some pretty high doses of the two, so that's awesome.
What's not awesome, is my dad hijacking it and saying we should share em between us.
This ain't a pack of gum, that I'd be sharing with you mister...
-_-
I also got the burning desire to watch Guy Fieri all of a sudden.
Watching that guy eat makes me feel full, and it's also pretty nostalgic. My dad
and I used to watch him on Food Network all the time when I was a kid.
His hairstyle is both ugly and lame, stylish and cool.
8/3/24
Oldies
There's this YouTube channel who makes these playlists of oldies that I like listening to, to help me go to sleep or relax from time to time.
(They're great because they knock me the fuck out.)
I never really cared to find out the song names or anything like that though, until he released his latest video which had one of the best
songs I've ever heard.
I checked the video description to see if the guy had some sorta timestamp thingy listing all the songs. Find nothing, so I go
check the comments because surely someone had to get curious about em too and ask about it, right? Well, JACK FUCKIN SHIT.
I check out his other videos, and same thing there too.
After Googling I find out that this guy is a real piece of work. He goes to great lengths to gatekeep the songs, deletes any comments of
people asking for song names, and bans you if you ask about them.
Inb4 Shazam or whatever, because he also changes the pitches of the songs, and compresses them so even Shazam and Google can't figure it out.
After searching like crazy, I finally found it on the web archive.
It was the only place on the entire internet that the song was available. Wasn't even on Youtube or anything.
I couldn't let the song be forgotten like that, so I uploaded it to my YouTube channel.
GO TO LISTEN TO IT NOW, IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.
29/2/24
God Bless America
Randos are always asking me if I'm American. I don't get it.
I wonder why they ask. If I heard an American accent come out of someone, I wouldn't even ask, I'd just
automatically assume they were, without caring about confirming it.
When I was on holiday in London, I was checking out fragrances
in some fragrance shop. Asked the security guy if they had any tester strips. Dude asks if I'm American, and I thought it was amusing
(I have never stepped foot on American soil),
but I understood where he was coming from. I'm pretty sure I just picked it up from watching TV and movies all my life.
But then again, during my childhood I also watched a load of British shows, which totally makes me 0.0001% British now,
so where's my British accent?!?!?
(Just kidding, by the way. Should be obvious. But there are probably some freakazoids out there who really think like that,
and I wanna
assure you that I'm not like them.)
Anyway, I just told him the truth, and talked to him about Ireland and he told me about his home, Russia. Nice guy.
It's happened a lot more times too.
The most recent was when I was invited to a new friend's house, but ended up getting lost. I asked some random old man for help, and he asked
if I was American. Then I awkwardly explained.
Was amusing because the bloke himself was the britishest Brit that ever britted, innit bruv!!!!
Next time anyone asks, I'll just play along for the lulz.
Yeah, I'm as American as apple pie.
26/2/24
Damn
The hell was I thinking, slacking off again all weekend watching WW2 videos, and leaving all the studying to late at night and then
giving into sleep anyway. Set an alarm to wake up at 4am to continue. Big mistake.
Everything is infinitely worse in the morning. Eyeballs feel like shriveled up raisins, stomach ache so bad I'd rather commit seppuku,
and the slightest sound is torturous fucking earrape. Kill me now. I'm never gonna slack off again. I'm gonna start studying for exams
months before they even take place. I'll be overprepared.
4/2/24
Bored
I've been doing nothing but listen to The Beatles all day. My little brother says he likes some of their songs too.
It's pretty cute how he looks up to me and tries to get into anything I like.
Anyway, Monday is a bank holiday and mid-term break is soon, so that gives me a lot of free time
to catch up with my studies (yeah, I've been slacking off again), and also go through my backlog.
2/2/24
Crazy
I changed the layout of this entire page. It doesn't match the rest of the site at all,
but who cares.
I think it looks pretty neat, and I wanted to try something different.
The homepage is pissing me off though. I feel like something's missing, but I'm not sure what.
Like I said before, I'll work on it in May, when I have free time.
Anyway,
I was gonna enjoy my Friday evening playing some games, until I heard my parents fighting downstairs.
The week was pretty uneventful so the idea of some drama piqued my interest. They were fighting over the fridge.
My dad was trying to fix it and my mom thought he was doing a bad job and making it worse. I wasn't there, so... no comment.
I hate when they ask me to pick sides. They're both horrible. I only like whichever one is nicest to me on that particular day.
Or if I'm in need for some cash... My mom's crazy for sure. No doubt about it. Everyone knows it and it's like they can even sense it.
I always get the 'your mom creeps me out' comments. I hate her guts.
I kind of like my dad, until I remember he's religious, so his love isn't exactly unconditional.
He ain't outwardly crazy, but you know how they can be. If he got a vision/dream of God telling him to sacrifice us or whatever,
you'd best believe you'd be seeing heads rolling down the street the next day.
Anyway, it all stopped being so funny when he brought up this news story of a husband beheading his wife because he was so sick of her.
That was a bit much. And then she went up to her room and started shouting about how she'd chop his limbs off and cut him into tiny pieces,
and then started laughing...Jeez.
But I know neither of them would never actually go through with it.
And if they did, you couldn't pay me to care. As long as my brothers and me are unharmed,
I couldn't give a damn what they do to each other.
1/2/24
Back
Yo. I haven't updated this in a long time or started any new pages yet, because COLLEGE IS KILLING ME.
I miss the neet lifestyle.
I thought about giving up and nuking this site, but I'm over it now.
I'll get back to work once I'm free again (in May).
MAN, I WISH I COULD JUST UNINSTALL PROCRASTINATION.EXE FROM MY BODY!!!
4/10/23
"Shrines"
I would rather not call them that.
Click on nostalgia to see em.
3/10/23
Foolish Brother
I heard a strange noise from the kitchen. I go to check it out and witness my brother using the hairdryer to try melt the butter on his toast. Crazy. I keep telling the guy to just pass a bread blade through a scorching hot flame in order to make it easier to spread the butter. Not heeding the wise words of your elders will lead you to INSANITY, kids!!!1!!
25/9/23
RAHHHHHHHHHHH
In a few hours it'll be officially one week since I started this site. Been meaning to make one for a long time but never got around to it since I was busy with college or playing games (yeah, I take that stuff pretty seriously).
It's pretty enjoyable coding your own personal website, but for an assignment, I had to code a website for a goddamn B&B. Talk about boring.
One week went by so fast.
And I'd stay up until 4-6am coding, no joke.
I haven't stayed up that long since I was 17. (Got to get that beauty sleep nowadays. How else do you think I look THIS good?!) But it was all worth it. I mean, it looks pretty good for something that was put together in 7 days.
I'm the God of this world and I completed it's creation in 7 days. Sweet.
That's where I cooked up this beauty.
